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Writer's pictureAshley, Farmer and Mama

Padded Rooms and Straitjackets

So, I’ve figured something out recently. For those who don’t know this, here’s a fun fact: those padded rooms you always hear about in mental institutions, those weren’t actually invented for mental patients. They were invented by a parent with a toddler.


Yup, that’s right.


You see, unless you put a toddler in a rounded, padded and completely empty room they will a) find a way to endanger their lives b) find a way to destroy everything in there, even things you wouldn’t have thought possible (like taking the corner of their bookcase and continuously pushing it against the wall until it scratches and eventually puts a hole in said wall . . . WTF?) and c) they will drive you completely insane. Not just insane but cuckoo-for-cocoa-puffs-bat-shit-crazy insane!


Seriously, this would be my spirit animal by the end of most days with my kiddos!


Ok, so perhaps I’ll amend my previous statement. The padded rooms were invented for toddlers AND their parents. However, please, for the sake of the parent, put them in separate rooms! A padded room for toddlers so they won’t destroy everything in their path and a padded room for parents who have lost their ever-loving minds because they have a toddler.


The struggle is real, people. The struggle is real.


Now, on to straitjackets, for those toddlers who can still get into trouble even in an empty, rounded, padded cell, I mean room . . .


Seriously though, have you ever had one of those days where everything just goes to shit? The screaming, the tantrums, the hitting, the throwing of things. Yes, my toddler sometimes hits and throws things at me. It's awful. It can be so hard sometimes. I swear, I sometimes wonder if my child is part demon or temporarily possessed at times. It's as if she completely loses her mind every once in awhile (read- nearly every day right now, sometimes every hour!).


This is a pretty accurate portrayal of my daughter most days . . .


Thank goodness this isn't all the time or I really believe I'd go insane but boy, the times it does happen, shit gets real and fast. It's all I can do not to lose it too. Lots of deep breaths take place and sometimes, I just have to go in the other room for a few minutes to recenter myself. Counting to ten, eating a piece of chocolate, plugging your ears for a few moments, you do what you gotta do (often times a glass of wine after everyone has gone to bed is this girl's best friend!)! I quite often have to pinch myself and ask, "is this really happening right now?". Not in an awesome, "I just won a million dollars" kinda way but in a, "WTF is happening right now? This is pure chaos!" kinda way. I never thought parenting would have moments quite like those. But they happen. ALL. THE. TIME.


I also never thought one of the most common phrases I would use would be, "don't lick that." I mean, really, is it necessary to lick EVERYTHING?!




Before I became a mom I had all these aspirations for my future children.


"Let them be kind, let them be happy and loving, let them be well rounded people" and so on and so on as I batted my eyes and stared wistfully into the setting sun. This continues well after they're born except your main thought is just keeping this tiny human alive everyday.


Then, they become toddlers. You go from, "I hope she's a well rounded person" to (on a sigh), "I just hope I'm not raising a serial killer". Seriously, you have those thoughts. You have moments you're so sure that you're screwing them up irrevocably that those off-the-wall thoughts jump into your brain.


Then (deep breath), then there are the really bad moments. It's in those moments where all logic and reason has left the building. You feel that now thin strand of cord that separates you between sanity and insanity being pulled so tight that the individual threads start to fray and snap, one by one. It's here that your thoughts go to, "well, if she is a serial killer (cause at this point you're sure she will be) at least let her be like Dexter and take out the bad people. I can at least get behind that and support her."




You have moments like this when your kid is acting so crazy you're sure you are doing the WORST parenting job ever and that you are dooming your child's life.


It's true. These moments happen. I'm not going to apologize or make excuses for those thoughts because this is hard.


In my opinion, being a parent is the hardest thing I will likely ever do. Maybe you feel the same way and maybe you don't. For me, I'm in awe being responsible for these precious lives and tasked with raising them into fully functioning adults that Jeff and I hope are well rounded and kind human beings.


Hope.


That's such a huge part of being a parent. You hope you're making the right choices in how you raise them, you hope they're always safe, healthy and happy, you hope you're teaching them what they need to know. You hope that today they'll just eat their food without a meltdown or not lose their shit (literally) over getting a diaper change. You hope, you hope, you hope.




I'm sure hoping and parenthood goes hand in hand for the rest of our lives no matter how old our kids get. I've always loved this quote by John Armstrong, "Hope is the first thing to take some sort of action." Here's what I take from it. I can hope for all things wonderful and amazing for my child but that's only the first step. To make those a reality I need to take action. I take action by starting each day anew. It's a clean slate. Yesterday may have been a disaster or at least had horrific moments that seemed to meld into one Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (thank you Judith Viorst for that AMAZING book title) but today doesn't need to be the same way. We learn from these moments. Remember them, so that we either change what we're doing (keep in mind, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result) to change the behavior OR so that when we have a good times, we appreciate them all that much more.


We can't always change the behavior of our kids right away. It's a learning game for everyone involved. They're on information and sensory overload nearly everyday. Think about how much they're constantly changing and growing in such a short amount of time. There's a reason we don't remember this time in our lives, folks, it's cause most of us would go cuckoo. It's a lot for them and add in trying to understand what we're teaching them while they're trying to communicate with us and it's a miracle to get through most days without meltdown after meltdown (though, those days DO happen).


I had to come to the realization that when Annabelle has a tantrum she isn't having one just to have one. She is having a tantrum to let out her frustrations and other emotions she isn't able to express in any other way yet. With that realization in hand, I had to learn what it would take for me to not only be the calm in the eye of the storm that is a toddler tantrum but also what would help me be calm throughout the ENTIRE day. What did I need to do to make myself feel like a better person and in turn, a better mom each day? Ask yourself this same question. Maybe it's getting time to yourself each morning or evening (yes to both for me!). Perhaps it's working out somewhere (I'm happy getting in some yoga stretches, anything more is gravy!) or taking your kids to a playgroup and meeting other parents so you can have a sounding board (YAAAAAS!) or maybe, just maybe, it's reaching out for help (this helped me sooooo much!).


As a type A personality reaching out for help is a really hard concept for me so I totally feel you for those of you who struggle with it. We live in a world where we're supposed to be able to do it all! Right? Wrong. Somewhere along the line that ridiculous saying got started and it stuck. That is an unrealistic expectation. Who defines what "doing it all" even means? Blech! Rid yourself of this saying. There's nothing wrong with being motivated and have a "can do" attitude but there is something wrong with thinking you have to be perfect in all things you do. Not. Gonna. Happen.


Instead, how about the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child." Oh man, I never understood this saying until I had my second child. I'll be honest, Annabelle (our first) as a baby was super easy, we were so lucky (though she's totally making up for it in her toddler years!!!). However, our second child, Koen, dear Lord, did he make up for his sister being an easy baby. He made up for it in not sleeping and never wanting to stop moving, EVER!!! Add in having a toddler at the same time (they're 18 months apart) and life was tough. Really tough. My sanity was tested in ways I never imagined. I completely understand why sleep deprivation is an effective means of torture. It's horrific. You don't know up from down or friend from foe. I was on my last nerve most days. I'd cry, I'd rant, I'd beg. Anything to get some rest. Let me tell you folks, I had to do some leaning on people.



I literally had to LEARN to tell my husband that I wasn't okay. I needed more rest and help with the things I normally handled around the house (he already knew this but he also knew there wasn't much he could do to help until I would actually LET him help). Again, this was really hard for me. Type A through and through, right here! Needless to say, giving up control was a struggle. It's not just having someone else do things you normally do either. You have to recognize that they're not going to do things the same way that you would and you HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THAT! The world won't actually end if the dishwasher isn't loaded how you would normally do it or if the laundry isn't folded and organized in piles in a strategic manner. Shockingly enough, the world kept turning and the sun kept rising despite these changes around our house (crazy, right?). Seems intuitive but it wasn't at the time. I had to accept that things were going to be different and I had to learn to be okay with that.


I learned quickly to be okay with that because sleep was more important. Sanity was more important. I reached out to family for help and they answered immediately and without hesitation (I'm very lucky to have this support and I know it!). I started going to a playgroup and meeting other parents. This really helped me since many of my friends don't have children or live too far away to be the sounding board I need at times. Hearing from other parents that I wasn't alone was so therapeutic. I'm not one for the saying, "misery loves company" but in this case it really helped me to hear that they went through similar trials and tribulations. Notice I wrote, "went through". As in, past tense, which means, THEY GOT OVER IT. This helped because I knew that there was light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, that's all you need to be reinvigorated. You have hope again! It may sound silly but that's what I needed at the time to feel like a better mom.


What I'm saying to you in all this is: if you feel like you've lost your hope, do whatever you need to do to find it again. Lean on people around you. Don't have anyone to lean on? Reach out to groups around you, you'll be shocked how many people are in the same boat as you. That feeling of not being alone can truly make all the difference. Look for local playgroups or support groups for parents. Can't find any, look ONLINE for groups, those exist in droves! Seriously, a simple search of "parenting groups" on Facebook came up with literally THOUSANDS of groups. You can find a tribe that fits exactly what YOU need. Your village doesn't have to be family or even those in direct vicinity to you. It can be friends, social groups, or whatever you need it to be! Find your tribe!


Here's my take home message: you may have moments where a padded room and straitjacket sound really good, even necessary at times but those are just moments. In the end, you have hope. Take that hope and make it into action. Take action by reaching out when you need to and leaning on those you trust. You're not alone. Raising these tiny humans is hard but, isn't it worth it? Those smiles, hugs, kisses and the love. Oh, the love. That feeling where it seems your heart may burst from all the love you hold for them. In this Mom's opinion, it makes all those padded room and straitjacket moments well worth the sanity we'll never entirely get back.



Above is my inspiration for this post and my reason for sometimes wanting a padded room and straitjacket. Say hello to Annabelle Jean, the Daredevil Queen! It may be crazy here most days but I wouldn't change a thing kiddo! :-)


Until next time all! Happy Parenting all!

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